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OUR FATHER'S PERSISTENT LOVE MINISTRIES, INC.
Susan DiGraitis
I’ve had an addiction problem since I was a teenager and I’ve been in recovery a number of times. During my numerous "recoveries" I’ve had great jobs, I was married, I’ve lived in many places and I’ve traveled the world. I just never seemed to be able to stay "recovered". Finally in 1990 I really hit a bottom and I joined a 12 step program. I got very active; I chaired meetings, I sponsored other women and I managed to put 12 years clean together. I had a wonderful job that I loved, was by now divorced, and I thought I "made it". I had lots of money in the bank and, although I didn’t realize it at the time, I was now addicted to something other than drugs, power - my job. As I look back on my life, I can see that I was always looking for something to "complete" me - a career...a man...power...control...something. I guess I need to say that I always believed in God. During those 12 years of recovery I gave lip service to a "Higher Power". I didn’t really know what that "power" was and I didn’t spend any time trying to find out. I used to think that when things went well it was because of how good I was, and when things went bad it was because God was punishing me. For many years my motto was the Billy Joel lyric "I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints ‘cause only the good die young". I was sure if that were true I’d live to be at least 100! Not only did I feel that way, I was proud of it. How sad. When the tough times came, and they always do, I did something that just months before I would have sworn that I would never do. I picked up drugs again. I relapsed in May of 2002 and in January of 2004 I found myself in a jail cell at Middlesex County Correctional wondering how things got so out of control. After I relapsed I knew I was heading quickly in the wrong direction but I just didn’t care anymore. I had been around the "recovery" block and I wasn’t going back. I thought about suicide but didn’t have the guts. I didn’t want to die but I didn’t want to live. My family had washed their hands of me and I was truly alone. I wish I could tell you that I went to my first Bible Study because I was seeking the Lord or because I had any hope. I’d be lying. I went simply to get out of my jail cell - more out of boredom than a sincere desire to learn. Also, I felt like God, whoever that was, had already given me more than my allotment of second chances. I didn’t deserve another chance and I wasn’t sure I even wanted one. I spent 2 1/2 months in jail. I now look at it as a rescue rather than an arrest. Psalm 119:71 says "The correction you sent was good for me, for it taught me to study your laws". Our Father’s Persistent Love Ministry showed me the persistent love which I so desperately needed. In fact, I truly felt the love of Christ. I began to really look forward to bible study and I had such a hunger for God’s Word. The sad part is that many women are hungry for the Word while in jail. Then they get out and get right back into the world. I had done that myself a few times. Debbie of OFPL counseled about the importance of getting connected with a home church. My memories of church weren’t particularly pleasant but my heart and mind were open. I was released from jail on April 6, 2004 - the Tuesday before Easter. On Good Friday I went to the movies and saw the Passion of Christ. Wow, He did that for me! Romans 5:8 says "But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners". On Saturday I went to my first church service and, although I only knew Debbie (and she wasn’t even there!), I felt like I belonged. I knew without a doubt that I needed and wanted to be a part of God’s family. Getting saved in jail was the easy part - I was broken and I was willing. Learning how to walk by faith, how to trust God completely and how to live a spirit-filled life is really the work I need to do every day. After getting out of jail I was faced with finding a job, finding a place to live, dealing with numerous open court matters and paying off a mountain of debt. After 45 years of dealing with the world on the "world’s" terms, I now needed to learn how to do things with an eternal perspective. It started with not lying on my job applications - something I would have done. It’s only a "white" lie, I’d tell myself. I was encouraged to be honest and to trust that God would work things out. I was skeptical. I went to a number of places and didn’t get any call backs. I was encouraged to continue to walk by faith. I finally got a call back and started working at a great place. Two weeks after I was there they did a background check. Well, the only reason I still have that job is because I was honest on my application. It’s experiences like this one, and there are many, that just prove to me the importance of walking by faith and trusting in God’s timing and His plan. 2 Corinthians 5:7 says "That is why we live by faith and not by sight". Early on I thought simply not doing drugs was enough. I now realize that the closer I get to God, the more of a sinner I really am! Praise God that we have a Savior because I really need one. I’m still cleaning up the wreckage of the past. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the "world" was like God is, we were simply forgiven and given a clean slate? However, I’m learning that my biggest mistakes and challenges are turning into my greatest blessings. I can now share the love of Christ with other people who are lost and seeking just like I was. Romans 12:2 talks about "Be ye transformed, by the renewing of your mind, that you might know what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God". I am being transformed. Many of the changes that have come about in my life are not things I worked on or intended to happen but God has truly changed the desires of my heart. I am blessed to belong to the most wonderful church family. They all know my sordid tale and they love me anyway. By example, they teach me about God’s love and they provide such wonderful encouragement and guidance to me as I grow in my walk with the Lord. I also rely heavily on Debbie’s counsel and advice which is always available. I attend a mid-week bible study, a Ladies Bible Study, I am a Greeter at my church and I volunteer regularly at our food pantry, the Lighthouse. One Saturday morning at the Lighthouse a woman broke down crying and told me that she woke up that morning and this was the last place she wanted to go. I woke up and couldn’t wait to get there. Thoreau once said that most people live lives of quiet desperation, I’d like to think I live one of quiet expectation. I just pray everyday to see the opportunities the Lord puts in my path...to be useful to Him, to hear him say "Well done, good and faithful servant" (Matthew 25:21a). My life verse is one that I came across while in jail. I held onto it then and I continue to be inspired by it. It is Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know that plans I have for you says the Lord, plans for good and not for disaster. For a future and a hope." Today, I have a future and much hope. I pray that my story will touch your hearts and give you hope. For only with hope, might you have a future.
Many blessings!
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